I have yet to meet a person who feels wholly understood. I think, on some level, we all fight to be seen as who we are—maybe for our parents, partners, friends, or even ourselves. This need and desire to be known for the good in us and not be mistaken by our flaws drives a lot of distorted expectations.
In any situation there is, we rarely come in without an expectation. Often, it is to be heard. When we come into a conversation ready to list points A, B, and C, on why they were wrong, why we are right, what the context is and how it matches strictly our own perspective, we don’t allow listening to take place. Now, if the thought does cross our mind, ‘mhmm, let me listen to what they aregoing to say before I speak,’ we expect recognition to be immediate. “Hey man, I justlistened, now it’s your turn.” Almost as if it is our God-given right to be reciprocated back to us in the way we need in that exact moment, but it doesn’t work that way.
When we come in with an expectation or choose to listen only to be heard in the next minute, we let our ego drive the conversation.
We wait for the opportunity to bring up any experience where we have acted selflessly because it validates our belief that we played our role to be mindful, so we can’t possibly be wrong. It becomes our ammunition just in case it has to be fired when we feel hurt and not seen.
The reality is that we are all misunderstood. There is no denying that. Mainly because weare striving to be a version of ourselves thatwe would never have the energy to sustain. But the battle isn’t just that, it’s the energyproduction. When we keep trying to be understood exactly the way we want, with the expectation of how it should be perceived, we begin to self-sabotage anything that suggests that expectation won’t come true.
The actual battle isn’t to be understood but the energy it takes to be seen. When we question our own beliefs, we reinforce the accuser. It isn’t that they didn’t see you; it’s self-doubt within us that we no longer know how to be seen. So, instead of understanding our triggers, we deflect.
If we continue to use instead the energy to counteract the trigger instead of using it to increase our self-worth, we fight for our self-doubt to transform into self-confidence. It is no longer triggering when our mother taunts us, or our partner questions, or a friend who doesn’t see our loyalty because you know exactly who you are.
We come in with a mindset to not use ourenergy to convince others of who we are butto use the energy to fight for who we are. Then it doesn’t matter who didn’t listen; as long as it is reasonable and fair, you trusted yourself to make the right decision. If you feel misunderstood, your battle isn’t with the observer who is not looking but the inner critic who tells you that the reason they don’t see you is because of you. Fight for your expectations, not somebody else’s.
Originally published on November 01, 2023.
