When things don’t go our way, we tend to label and blame. We either inwardly attack our character and are extremely harsh, unfair, and judgmental, or we outwardly showcase aggression verbally or passively to the people surrounding us. We are naturally defensive people. As a collective, mainly through generational traumas, we have this dire need to be understood and loved. When that doesn’t match the way we need it, how we need it, and when we need it, we lash out.
I will say through my practice over the years, I have seen many strains of people. Some who are so willing to do anything for their people in desperation that they forgo their own needs and wants. Hell, I’ve even found myself sharing those shoes from time to time. Or individuals who are so unwillingly bewildered that a world exists outside their bubble. The worst, in my opinion, are the ones who tiptoe between the two lines. People who see their surrounding loved ones through their good and their ugly lens but are so unwilling to change anything about themselves because they’ve rationalized that they are doing everything they can.
There is a big difference between being selfish and self-centered. The word selfish has a bad reputation in today’s vocabulary. Thrown into the fire of words like co-dependency, ego and therapy, selfishness has its perks. We are all selfish in many ways. Sometimes, we must put our needs in front of other people, even our loved ones, so we can be exactly what they need us to be. Saying no, setting boundaries, taking space, listening and meeting our needs and wants to allow our mind and body connection to cope with anxieties and live with contentment and satisfaction while making room to be the mother/friend/partner/son we want to be. Selfishness is putting yourself and your own needs in front of someone else’s most or all of the time. However, you can still be selfish and choose to change your ways. There is a choice in selfishness. This means that if you can choose to go the route of only thinking about your needs, you can balance it with choosing to put others’ needs before you. True boundaries are not strict rules and limitations but a balance of healthy/rigid/porous ones leading to compromise. We cannot be 100% healthy. Remember, the choice is very powerful.
Self-centeredness, on the other hand, eliminates choice altogether—not because the person’s capability is not present but because no awareness exists. Your bubble, your needs, and your wants and desires are the only things that are seen. It is hard to fault someone who shows these signs and characteristics because very little healthy conversation and boundaries will ever get through. How can you talk to someone when they are not just self-aware? They are the main
characters of their story, and yours. At least they think they are. Self-awareness is a distinct choice. In my view, it’s about considering your own needs and wants as much as you consider those of others. Your needs may not always take precedence, but they do at times, just as you sometimes prioritize the needs of others over your own. The key is that your needs are considered enough of the time. This emphasis on self-awareness in decision-making is crucial for personal growth and healthy relationships.The important word there is “enough.” Sometimes, that’s not a lot because someone else’s needs take priority, and for good reason. And we all get really, really…really busy. Yet there are other times when you find yourself in a more painful, frightening, or confusing place, and frankly, your needs — and you — need attention and support.
This can be seen as a form of self-care. It involves reaching out for help and, ideally, receiving it. This emphasis on self-care and seeking support is a vital part of personal growth and maintaining healthy relationships.
So next time you feel guilty about setting a boundary or having a difficult time connecting with someone about their and your needs, ask yourself: Are you or them selfish or self-centred?
Originally published on August 05, 2024.
