Is Trust Earned or Given?

Trust. This is a question I have dabbled with far too many times to recount. Unfortunately, I cannot say that all those experiences have been the greatest. But it is a question that is on my mind a lot. What is it? Why is it so crucial in every fundamental relationship that exists? And if its importance is as dire as we say it is, why is it one of the most fragile components of human psychology?

Upon some research I conducted a time ago, I came across this discussion around trust. The premise was the trust we have in a romantic relationship, let’s say – ‘I trust you to not lie to me. I trust that they will not cheat on me. I trust you will be responsible with our finances. These promises of trust are necessary ingredients for a healthy relationship. If you are contrarian to these beliefs, you have the right to your opinion. But for the sake of the argument, let’s say we are Sheldon from Big Bang Theory, and these are all conditions of a relationship agreement. We discuss it once and do not have to address it because both parties agree this is the done deal. Now, if someone breaks this trust – they lie, cheat, or steal – the trust is broken. But there is another degree of trust here that is overlooked. We need the trust within ourselves to walk away and respect us enough to know that we can handle it. Whichever way you decide to do so. Trust is a balance between vulnerability and confidence. When we trust someone, we take a risk, expecting favourable outcomes.

Some people tend to give trust easily, often due to secure attachment styles developed in early childhood. Those who grew up in environments where their caregivers were consistently reliable and supportive may create a general belief that others are trustworthy. At least, that is what we are taught to believe. But I know for a fact that I do not have a secure attachment style, not always at least, I am way better than I used to be. But I give trust. Sometimes, too blindly. That can signify insecure attachment, giving too much, playing the martyr and expecting it back. However, in due time, I have learned that my ability to offer trust is because of my self-trust. If you hurt me, I will be hurt. But I am not about to hurt you back. If you show me your capability, I will give you, my hand. That exists for others because I have done it enough for myself. My vulnerability is my superpower. My ability to hope whilst I work on making sure I am walking with my head is my strength. You do not get to take that away because you decided to break the agreement or react in a way that is a poor reflection of you.

Now for others, trust must be built over time. People who have experienced betrayal, trauma, or neglect may be more cautious. Research on attachment theory suggests that individuals with insecure attachment styles—such as avoidant or anxious attachment—may struggle to trust others easily. This is true. Caution often leaves us with awareness – hyperawareness, to be exact. Hyper anything is not always the recipe you think it is going to be. Yes, your knowledge grows, but your self-trust declines. Healing is understanding that the more you know, the more you actually don’t know. Being biased in our core beliefs will always skew the image in front of you.

So, is trust earned or given? The answer lies in a complex interplay of individual differences, past experiences, and situational factors. Some people naturally give trust until proven otherwise, while others require time and consistency before feeling secure. Ultimately, trust is a dynamic process—offered in moments of vulnerability, reinforced through experience, and strengthened by reciprocity.

Technically, all of this is true. However, with personal experience, I have learned that when we give more before we take, we open ourselves to possibilities of extreme emotional pain and wounds that may still be bleeding but, in turn, offer ourselves compassion through it. Trust is often a reciprocal process—when one person extends trust, the other is more likely to respond with trustworthy behaviour. However, the mutual benefit is not always transactional or as black and white. What we lose may be greater than what we gain at the moment, but in hindsight, it empowers that self-trust. What we extend to lose or gain is subjective. Now, one can put a tag on that, not even psychology, and especially not trauma.  It only highlights all the hard work and healing you have done to get to a place where you can lend a hand before someone asks you.